Navigating Loss from Afar: A Candid Conversation About Grief and Moving to New Zealand
Losing a parent is one of life’s most profound challenges.
When you’re an expat, that grief is compounded by distance, logistics, and the immense guilt of not being there. It’s a heartbreaking reality of building a new life on the other side of the world.
In this deeply personal episode of the NZ Ahead podcast, Liz speaks with community member Stevie, who recently lost his father back in Scotland while building a life in New Zealand with his wife and two young sons.
What unfolds is a raw, honest, and ultimately reassuring conversation about the painful intricacies of navigating loss from 11,000 miles away.
This isn’t a guide with all the answers.
It’s a shared experience, a shoulder to lean on, and a reminder that you are not alone in these feelings.
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The Heartbreaking “Call Home”
For Stevie, the news came gradually. The regular phone calls with his dad started to reveal something was wrong—repeated questions, a lingering “virus,” and a growing concern that couldn’t be ignored from afar.
The moment of clarity was a stark, abrupt text message: “Either got a brain tumour or I’ve had a stroke.”
The subsequent whirlwind of scans, biopsies, and difficult decisions began. The hardest part? Knowing when to go.
“I said to him… if that changes for any reason, or if you want me to come back, just say, and we’ll book a flight… My dad was of that generation. He said, ‘No, no, it’ll be all fine. Don’t worry.'”
Stevie’s story highlights a painful dilemma many expats face: the balance between respecting a parent’s wish not to be a burden and the deep, personal need to be there.
He ultimately made the trip when his dad quietly said, “Oh, I think I’ll need somebody to come home at some point.” It was the only invitation he needed.
The Logistics of Grief: Work, Family, and Flying Back From New Zealand
The practicalities are overwhelming. Stevie spent 12 weeks away from his new life in New Zealand.
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Work: Thankfully, his employer was incredibly supportive, allowing him to work remotely on UK time and ensuring he was paid in full. This lifted a huge financial burden during an impossible time.
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Family: His wife, Aileen, a nurse, had to take unpaid leave to join him later with their children. The school was understanding about the kids’ absence.
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The Distance: Being alone in Scotland initially, away from his immediate family, was one of the hardest parts. “It was the longest I’d been away from Aileen and the boys… The reality of it is very, very different. It isn’t easy.”
The Unseen Challenges: Wills, Funerals, and Family Dynamics
The admin of death is complex enough without a 24-hour flight in the mix. Stevie spoke candidly about hurdles you might not anticipate:
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Power of Attorney: He had to quickly arrange this for his dad’s partner to allow her to speak with doctors legally.
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The Will: He couldn’t access his father’s will until after he passed, making pre-planning difficult. His advice? “Keep a copy of your will in your house and let folk know where it is.”
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Funeral Timings: A practical but grim reality check—crematoriums have wait times. He had to have the agonising conversation about what would happen if the funeral needed to be after he had returned to NZ. This is a crucial consideration when booking return flights.
Stevie also touched on the complex family dynamics that can emerge during times of grief, a common experience that can feel magnified when you’re the one who “left.”
“It Doesn’t Feel Real”: Processing Grief from a Distance
One of the most resonant parts of the conversation was about the strange, disjointed feeling of returning to your new country after a loss.
“I don’t think it really feels real… because we’ve just come back to normal life… It’s easy to put it to the back of your mind, which is probably not the best thing to do.”
Without the daily reminders—passing the family home, seeing their friends—the grief process can feel suspended, making it both easier to cope in the short term and harder to fully process in the long term.
Stevie’s Takeaways: What You Need to Know
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Trust Your Gut: There is no perfect “right time” to fly home. The decision you make in the moment is the right one for you. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
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Have the Hard Conversations: If you can, talk to your family members about their wishes before a crisis. It feels awkward, but it is a priceless gift that removes doubt during a traumatic time.
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Acknowledge, Don’t Apologise: Stevie offered a powerful reframe for supporting someone in grief. Instead of saying “I’m sorry for your loss,” try simply acknowledging it: “That’s shit news. I’m thinking of you.” It often feels more genuine and less empty.
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Be Kind to Yourself: The guilt is inevitable. Guilt for leaving, for not being there sooner, for living your life. Remember why you moved in the first place and know that your parents likely wanted this adventure for you.
You Don’t Have to Navigate This Alone
Stevie’s story is a powerful reminder of why community is so vital. The NZ Ahead community on Slack was a source of immense support for him, a place where people understood his unique situation without judgment.
If you are contemplating a move to New Zealand, it’s essential to go in with your eyes open to all possibilities, both the joyful and the difficult. We encourage you to read our posts on the downside of moving to New Zealand and an important moving-to-New-Zealand-reminder about the realities of life abroad.
If Stevie’s story has resonated with you, know that there is a community here for you.
👉 If you’re new to NZ Ahead, our free 5-day video series is a great place to start. Get a genuine look at Kiwi life and, on day 5, learn how to join our private, supportive community. Start your journey here: www.nzahead.com/free
👉 If you’re already a member of our NZ Ahead community, you know this safe space is here for you. If you’re struggling or need to talk, please reach out to us directly on Slack or email Liz at li*@*****ad.com.
Kia kaha. Stay strong. Your feelings are valid, and your community has your back.
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